A fiercely brave dwarf named Packi
Was told that his armor looked tacky,
The critic, it is said,
Is still somehow dead:
Knocked into next week by Smacky!

 

 

There was a wood elf, Oronoco,
Who thought that my singing was so-so,
I sang her a ditty
I thought was quite pretty
She grimaced and said, "I don't think so."

 

 

I was in Surefall Glen
Seeking a friend
I thought she might be in the caves
I got jumped by a bear
So I ran out of there
Then got whacked by the guards as a knave!

 

 

Hail, hail to the glory of beer,
There's nothing that brings such good cheer,
To me diamonds pale,
Next to porter, or ale,
And a stout to my eyes brings glad tears.

Hail, hail to the glory of beer,
Naught's been better for thousands of years,
It's nothing like wine,
And takes much less time
To make bunches - now have one, my dear.

Hail, hail to the glory of beer,
Buy me one if I please your ear,
I'll sing 'til I'm blue
For a bottle of brew,
Now bring me one - be a good dear.

Hail, hail, let's all drink our beers,
Raise our pints up high and say "Cheers!"
What's better than brew?
You know this is true,
It's friendship that lasts years and years.

The Steamfont Song

I stopped running when I finally reached Ak'Anon,
Went to Steamfont to find things for whackin' on.
Huntings been good but now I'm bored to tears,
'Cause I've spent almost two whole levels here,
And I'm sad to say I've spent lots of time dyin',
At least twelve times a day - that's no lyin'!
As I run back to the mills I expect to see:
You've become better at corpse running! (23)
I died lots when I hunted there by myself,
But that first group was as bad as this half-elf -
They kept pulling in that &*$#@! missionary
You'd think they'd soon learn to be wary
And they'd ignore me when I'd yell "Run!"
I might joke a lot, but that's never one.
But that second group was the best I've seen,
My three short little buddies and me,
Efficient, fast, funny, and kind,
They were really quite a lucky find.
But it's time to leave my friends and go,
Far away to the Northern Desert of Ro
While shouting the news across the lands,
"There's a hunt comin' up in the desert sands!"
A Rattlesnake Roundup sounds like fun,
It'll be great to finally meet everyone -
And I heard a rumor; sure hope it's true,
That Nohrm's serving some of that wicked home brew...

 

 

I ran down to North Ro
Spreading news to and fro
Staying half-lit the whole time
'cause I'll soon meet Nohrm
And it won't be good form
If I fall down after one glass of wine.

So I thought it was funny
I got jumped by a mummy
It was easy as fleeing from babies
It wasn't that hard
To run to the guard
But then I found out I had rabies.

Help in vain I did seek
It was looking quite bleak
At least the beer at my wake would be Nohrm's
But then near the end,
Druid Soggil, my new friend
Came to save me, all the way from Lavastorm.

 

Ryazh's Song

My buddy was questing in Sol A,
(For what, he never would say)
He was being all sneaky,
Oiling doors that were creaky,
And mostly staying out of harm's way...

I think he was seeking a thing-a-ma-bob,
And nearly got turned into shish-ka-bob
But then in the end,
Brave Ryazh, my friend,
Got his quest done; give him three cheers, good job!

 

Snake Songs

Rattlesnakes
Make great steaks
Though gators make great ones too,
But here in North Ro
Where the sun beats down so,
Nothing would beat a good brew.

Go out there and kill some rattlesnakes
Don't get poisoned, though, for pity's sake
But if you get bit
And don't feel quite fit
Yell out; we don't want a wake!

 

 

The roundup was lots of good fun,
And then when it all was done,
Buupi took me to Rivervale,
Where I rested then picked up some mail
Which I ran back to Freeport Bard's Guild,
And after this duty I'd filled
I went back to North Ro to kill things
Picked on dervs til I got my next ding,
Then back up to Faydwer to get
My next song, which I didn't have yet.
But then sailing back over the sea
I showed just how dumb I can be.
The boat paused at that first little isle,
I got off to explore for a while
And get some stuff for my buddy Nkai
(Fishing hooks, which are hard to come by).
Then although it was a bit tirin',
I sailed out to hunt goblins and sirens
(I found as I sailed on and on
The sea has a spectacular dawn)
Found a mountainous spire to climb
On an island where I spent some time.
I killed everything there, once or twice
Loaded up with loot, which was nice
Got in my canoe, homeward bound
When I ran the damned thing aground.
Crap.
Now I'd really gotten myself into it
Was feeling like quite the idiot
I could start swimming and end up dead
I asked the guild for help instead
Ready to duck rotten fruit and tomatoes, too
But they sent Roft, Elanaea and Mutatotu.
I got (im)moral support from Roftosea
And the other two came out to rescue me
They ported me back to dry land
I'm so grateful they gave me a hand
Rescued me from the Ocean of Tears
So let's give them all three cheers
Toast them, then let's drink our beers.

 

 

At the roundup I met our Kelal,
Who was not what I expected, not at all,
I thought she'd be sweet,
Quiet, gentle, petite -
Instead she turned out to be *evil*.

She whispered some stuff in my ear
Standing more than a little too near,
She was just not herself,
All o'er this half-elf,
And gave me a wink and a leer!

She ran off in the desert of Ro,
Tried to get us to find her, you know,
And while snakes we fought,
She said she was hot,
And proceeded to take off her clothes!

I figured out later what was wrong,
I admit that it took pretty long
It was her evil double
That got her in trouble
And she's been pouting, so I sang her this song.

 

Croc Song

A crocodile
May take a while
To swallow you whole, it is said -
But even if he
Is quick as can be
You'll still end up equally dead.

 

The "No, Run The OTHER Way" song

We were on the orc highway
Givin orcs some kill-dice-flay,
By the Oasis between North and South Ro,
A giant came, so I ran
Just as fast as I can-
He's still picking Xingu out from between his toes.

 

Runnyeye Battle Song

Get in there and kill some goblins
Whack 'em hard so they all start a-wobblin',
And if they should try
To escape Runnyeye
Crush their knees, so they all start a-hobblin'!

Valor of Unity

All for one and one for all,
Stand together and never fall,
Without your friends you're not around long
The Valor of Unity keeps us strong.

 

 

A pretty wee halfling named Buupi
Got lost when the weather got soupy.
She said, "That's n.p.
I'll go home to RV."
And ported before I said, "Me too, please!"

So I sent my friend Buupi a tell
And she came right back, which was swell!
She said she was sorry
And that I shouldn't worry
She'd always be there if I fell.

 

Hunting in Highpass

I was off hunting orcs in Highpass
Dying at a rate way too fast
So I'm sorry to say
It just wasn't my day
*Some*body was sure kicking - whoops broke a lute string.

I've got something to say 'bout this bard
Though I'm not all that bad at my art
It's time I confessed
When put to the test -
Xingu's just not all that smart.

I never thought it was lies
I saw it lots with my own eyes
What was I thinkin'
It just never sinks in -
I gotta learn, "Bard tanks, bard dies."

 

Valor Strikes Deep in Runnyeye

Into the deeper parts of Runnyeye
Ventured a few of my friends and I
And we spent a good part of the day
Making some sporeling fillets.
My short little buddy Koborac
Stabbed them (somehow) in their 'backs',
And Aenalii brought her little pet
(Perhaps not quite well-trained yet).
Mephitia, the cutest wood elf around,
Loved to stick fungus feet to the ground,
Iiyama and I sang our hearts out
(I love hurting things with a shout)
And Naladina kept us from dying
(Saliani and I were sure trying).
But none was more brave or bold
Then Sal, our pally, armored in gold
Close to death himself, when I fell down
Laid on hands and brought me around
Naladina healed him up right then too,
Then we all caught our breaths and said "Whew!"
Despite the near-death, it was lots of fun
And I thank my dear friends, each and every one.

 

Sosanaighe's songs, 1 and 2

1
Sosanaighe was a pretty young ranger
And led a life filled with much danger
Her escapes were quite narrow,
But she'd fill orcs with arrows
Then beat 'em 'til their moms thought they were strangers!

2
A pretty young ranger, Sosanaighe,
Saw an orc, smiled, and said, "Hiya!"
Then she filled him with arrows
Tossed the bits in wheelbarrows
And used him to fuel her campfire!

 

Hunting with Gilolinae

I made a new friend, Gilolinae
And helped her pass time one day
By putting the hurty
On Karana birdies
'Til Soggil and Buupi came our way.

My halfling friends Buupi and Soggy
Had turned themselves into wolf-doggies
And before they were through
We were buff wolf-dogs too
Then we hunted until we were groggy.

Once done, we went to make sales
Sometime, somehow I'd run out of ales
So gypsy wine we sipped
'Til we both were quite ripped
Then we told some drunken tall tales.

 

Zannder's song

There was a brave dwarf named Zannder
An orc went and raised his dander
He grabbed its head and its heel,
And ere the poor orc could squeal
Used its face for a floor sander!

 

The Ballad of Crystal Caverns
(also known as "The Paratroopers of Valor")

The horses were sweaty and lathered
Everyone finally was there
After we all had gathered
We entered the caverns with care.

Naladina and Mohrmegil led
The rest of us straggled behind
Not knowing we soon would be dead
Just thinking of loot we would find.

We formed a quick plan for our guild
To reach the depths of the pit
We jumped in after Mohrmegil
And then everything turned to - whoops, broke a lute string.

We thought we were sneaky, you see
We'd silently creep to the depths
But we'd lost invisibility
And instead jumped down to our deaths.

Orcs by the dozen yelled out, "Attack!"
As we gently levved to the ground
At the bottom we fought back to back
One by one we started to go down.

Paji went first, our sweet cleric
She tried to heal Hoseclamp and I
And so she quickly perished
Then Hoser and I also died.

My corpse was buried in orcs
I barely could see one toe
I thought to myself, "Well, we were dorks..."
And came back to myself north of Ro.

The rest of them soon were killed
None of them lingered in pain
They even killed brave Mohrmegil
Who chose death rather than feign.

We didn't have to wait too long
Einelar and Olvar soon came to our aid
They fetched me to sing a mana song
As the corpses around us were laid.

Ein brought us back one by one
And we gathered our strength to proceed
The rest of the day was much fun
Though this advice you should heed:

If you're going to Crystal Caverns
And you decide to jump in the pit
Invisibility - make sure you have on
Or everything soon turns to - darn these cheap lute strings.

(As a side note, after the strike
I toured the wee pubs of the Coldain
And tried all the beers that I like
And blew half the money I'd gained.)

 

 

I've got a new friend named Mohrmegil
Hunting with him has been quite a thrill
He's certainly added spice to the guild
With the spectacular ways he's gotten us killed.

 

 

 

Well me and some friends
Went off to Grieg's End
We thought we'd look round it, you see
I never suspected
And hardly expected
I'd end up not looking like me.

The others were worse
It's some kind of curse
Turning you into strange creatures
Mohr went to pull
And came back as a troll
Naked, with large sexy 'features'.

Then to my surprise
('ere I put out my eyes)
Mutatotu turned into a bug
And Packi it appears
Was a wolf with big ears
I wondered who took what kind of drugs.

We got in more deeply
Past the part that was creepy
We killed some cloaked bad guys instead
I thought I could tell
It was going quite well
Then - you guessed it - I ended up dead.

Mohr too met his grave
Along with poor Brayve
I'm pretty sure Oro died too
Mut - he just gated
Our group was just fated
The other guys all made it through.

So we got all our friends
Out of Grieg's End
Carcasses rezzed one by one (thanks Ein)
I know we'll go back
For more slash and hack
Despite dying, it was lots of fun.

But you should know
Before you might go
I think you should take lots of beer
Then if you should see
Things that can't be
It might just be beer you should fear.

The Unsurpassed Bravery of Thommas the Monk

Once again, we went off to hunt giants,
This time deep in the heart of Kael
All of us proud and defiant
But knowing it's hard; we could fail.

We gathered in Kael at the border
Mostly Valor, with several more friends
We counseled, putting plans in order
Plotting the means to our ends.

We headed out first to the ramp
The Arena far too busy, you see
They were killing Vindi where we wished to camp
So that's not where we wanted to be.

Thommas led us into the city
Pulling giants to us one by one
We'd kill them without any pity
Then after another he'd run.

Then we heard Derakor was dead
The Arena was ours for the taking
To the Arena we bravely were led
By Thommas, the monk, who kept faking.

We slowly made our way through town
Although there was one time Thommas died
We watched in dismay when he went down
Couldn't save him, though Mohrmegil tried.

Once rezzed, he went back for more
Never pausing or showing us fear
(I was sure the poor guy must be sore
And tried to offer him beer).

We finally reached the right site
A little bit worse for wear
And there we fought fight after fight
Deep in the Kael giants' lair.

All through the hunt Thom kept 'em coming
Wearing holes, I'm sure, in his boots
Finole and I just kept strumming
Not on BANJOS, you fool - on our LUTES.

After a bloody but fruitful night
Faction, fun, and loot galore,
We gathered together our might
To make our way back to the door.

We fought our way back to a safe spot
Then watched Thommas run out of sight
He came back with what he had brought
Far too many for us few to fight.

We watched from afar as he feigned
They left, so he tried it once more
Then, helpless, we watched him get maimed
Thom was knocking, real hard, on death's door.

Almost with his next to last breath
He managed to feign once again
Damn close, but not hurt to death
He crawled back to us in pain.

Thom returned amidst cheers and hoorahs
And was healed with honor and praise
He left to pull more without pause
His bravery left us amazed.

We escaped from the foes of Coldain
Exhausted, we ran to the door
Knowing valor is not just taking pain
But getting up and returning for more.